Are your friends, whom you always thought as useless and stupid, getting more likes and comments than you on FB? Are you the one who wants to make-a-mark-in-this-world by growing popular on FB? Or, are you a typical attention seeker who’s ready to run nude on the road and still not getting your due on FB? Then you are in the right place! Read on!
A few years back, people only strived for likes. on facebook. Nowadays the demand for comments and shares is also on the rise. Imagine 420 comments on your senseless post and your post popping up on everybody’s wall every other day! So I’ve divided the rest of the article into 3 sections. One for each of those coveted prizes that everyone’s after.
How to get Likes?
If you are a girl, then probably you are already an expert in this domain. Anyways I’ll add a few more tips if you are still climbing up the ladder. Guys, need to do some hard work to compete-
1. Post something about your mom and the ‘immense’ love you have for her. ( Dad will also work fine, but less likes, you know ). Shout aloud about how much difference she has made in your life even though you don’t even find time to call her everyday. This strategy works well if you just returned from US. Tell how much you missed mom’s food and how she woke you up in the morning to make you eat delicious and belicious idlies, coffee, bread, butter, grass etc. Conclude your status with exclamations like “Bliss!”, “Hats of to you mom!”, “Feels like heaven!”
2. If you are a guy and even though you wont do anything and give a shit to the horrible crimes happening with women in our country, you can utilize such situations to garner some FB likes by telling your friends as to how much you respect women and that you treat your wife like a princess and you were brought up by a Queen etc etc. Shh, I know that you are one of those Jackasses that has ‘bitch’ as the most respectful word for a women in his real life dictionary. Doesn’t matter dude, go ahead, get those likes I say!
3. Cricket is the hottest business in India. And you should never let go of opportunities here. Now that Sachin has retired, you cant howl about how he’s denying youngsters a chance, but Sachin still sells. Put some statuses like how you switched off your TV when he got out during your younger days, how much you miss him etc etc. Any crap with ‘Sachin’ appended to it will do. Dont worry. And if your tired of Sachin, try bashing Dhoni. Keep crying that what all he achieved was out of luck and now he’s running out of it. If you aren’t satisfied with Dhoni, try Ravindra Jadeja and Rohit Sharma. They are selling like hot-cakes on FB nowadays. Crack something silly on these silly people.
4. If you are lady, put out an elaborate status about the brawl ( it can be imaginary ) you had with an autowala you had the other day. And how brave you were and how you came down to his own level and made him taste his own medicine. Sshh, don’t talk about things like why the fight started etc, just focus on your bravado. Out of the blue, link up the autowala with the pathetic state of women in India and how they should stand up for their rights. You are sure get tons of likes with this, cos “a man who doesn’t sympathize with women is not a man, but a woman!”
5. Coming to getting your photos liked. Just grab an SLR camera and click yourself with a lot of Depth of Field. If you are a girl, mobiles can just do fine. But just make sure you open up your bun so that you seem to have flowing hairs and tilt a bit and click a self-pic. (Don’t tilt too much! You might go out of the frame!) Many guys get insecure that people are liking their SLR camera prowess than their snap. But Likes are Likes, we can do anything for it!
6. We in India, boast of Unity in diversity but I’ll tell you regionalism in here to stay. Especially, the love of your own language! So, if you are Tamil guy, put up a poem from Thiruvalluvar’s works. Or if you are Kannada guy, say something like- ninna nodide, bukkanu odide, nidre maaDide.(Above stuff should be strictly in native language fonts only) For non-kannada guys wondering what the above lines mean, don’t wonder, even I don’t know what they mean but just carefully observe that all three lines rhyme!
7. Nowadays God is also a nice way to get people liking and commenting. For example, if your a christian, say something about how beautiful the world is, how blessed you are, and thank Jesus. And to add credibility to your status, add something like Luke 3.14, John 8.6, Fluke 10.1. Don’t worry about the numbers, people wont verify cos anything said in the name of God cant be verified and criticized. If you are a Hindu this method is difficult as you cant attribute things to a single God. You can still work out. Wish people on major festivals irrespective of whether you have any idea of why that festival is celebrated. And voila! Likes! Likes!
8. If you are an NRI, there’s one more tip especially for you. If you are coming down to India anytime soon. Start a count-down timer. “8 days to go!”, “3 days to go!”, “Nowhere to go!” and say how to you love and miss India even though you are the same idiot who cursed India and its mess a few years back and flew somewhere else.
9. Before posting any of your silly videos, pics etc, tell it before that its AWESOME, fantastic etc or put up exclamations like “You have to watch this!”, “Cant believe it!”, “LOL! LOL!”. You can resort to emotionally blackmailing your friends to like your posts by sharing videos which show a lazy man fooling people that he is lame and another lame man fighting hard to win his bread etc
How to get Comments?
1. Change your relationship status. It can be anything from single to double, thrible, complicated, lonely , messed up, fucked up etc. If you are a guy and just updated the status to “single” then your ‘true’ friends are sure to come and comment something nasty on your status.
2. If you are married and have a kid, then its bonanza time. Just hug your toddler so tight that he/she starts crying. But make sure you click a pic before it. Ahh, job done. Comments like “Choo Cute”, “Congrats sweety” will start pouring in. Don’t ask me why will anyone congratulate on such a pic.
3. Update each and every place you check-in and with whom you checked in. Something like “having coffee with XYZ at ABC”. Comments like “Enjoy buddy!”, “mast hain bhai” are sure to crop up. Some people are already masters at this. They come up with killers like “Guldu Ramamurthy checked in at Taj toilet” with Gubaal and 4 others.
4. If you are a girl, update your status. Wondering what to update? Anything! Something mysterious like “Jumbaleka Jumba” will attract comments like “What happened baby?” “Take care yaar”. Updates regarding how you survived a road crash recently when you were on your three-wheeler will also get similar responses.
5. Update about all the new gadgets and stuff that you recently bought. No, no. Don’t update about the new iron box or the new jockey boxers you bought! And your curious friends will chip in with comments like “Congrats maga! Is it available in India?”, “Great dude!”
How to get Shares?
1. Press ‘L’ and see what happens. Seems familiar? There are umpteen number of such pics on FB. Share them. Your idiotic friends will press anything to see what happened and then whine in the comments section that nothing happened. If you dont find any such pic handy immediately, image search some random pic and put something like “Open your zip and see what happens!” Don’t doubt me. People will do it!
2. Come with a nonsensical quote. Put it on Einstein’s photo and share! cos Einstein can never go wrong.
3. Even though you don’t achieve anything in life, share images which have a big explanation about how people like Ratan Tata, Vijay Mallya made it to the top. You keep watching from the bottom.
4. On similar lines of step 3, share images of Rahul Gandhi and tell why he isn’t fit to be a PM and side by side photoshop a pic of Modi and come up with “Modi-for-PM” kinda slogans!
5. Share images with highly positive quotes on them. Those quotes should give hope to people, it doesn’t matter whether that quote really works in real life. Most of your FB friends have seen Shawshank Redemption and they are happy to live and die in hope than lifting their asses up and doing something in life.
6. Share pics of handicapped babies, accident victims which ask to share it so that FB pays 1 rupee to the victims. Don’t worry, people will share. How can they not? When do their bit saves an innocent life through FB funding?
Thats it! Now you become a real Facebucker!
If you have no clue about sarcasm and humor and find this article in bad taste, curse me like hell so that I go to hell! We can meet up there and discuss about this. And those who feel I too am a Facebucker just like you, then you are right! I salute you for exposing me and show my pinky to you as a mark of respect!
If you do all the above said stuff and still don’t get sufficient likes, comments, then I promise to return your full money back. No questions asked. But wait, where’s my money?