I’ve been wanting to write a non-technical blog from a long time. But the desire hasn’t materialized because of one person holding me back. He’s my closest friend. I know him from my kindergarten days. He’s so close to me that he knows me like the back of his hand. He’s been a guiding force throughout my childhood. It was he who helped me to come into my own. But as soon as I found my footing, things started getting bitter between us. Constant disagreements. Verbal spats that ran for days! Ego battles! I simply cannot fathom how a person who always wanted my welfare and who shaped the person I am today, could so turn against me and try tripping me at every step. I subconsciously feel that he’s grown insecure. Because I can now wade through life without his direction, he feels left out and lonely, like a father who’s son is all grown up and doesn’t listen to him much anymore.
Inspite of all his attempts to stunt my growth, I am not able to throw him out of my life. Our relationship is very deep, as we know each other from the day I started to make sense of the world around me. We share so many values and ideas. And since I know him for so long, I feel very comfortable with him. In the sense that I can share anything and everything with him.
Recently, I told him that I wanted to write a blog articulating my innermost thoughts. I don’t know what pricked him but he started a long tirade against me – ” What? Innermost thoughts? Why? To share it on FB, right? Do you think your friends have no better job than reading your thoughts? Who the fuck wants to read your thoughts, dude? I know you just want to garner some likes and comments and feel popular on FB.” I felt offended, but tried defending myself – “Listen! My writing is not for the sole purpose of likes and comments, I just want to express myself!”. He wouldn’t buy my defense. He demolished it – “Whom are you lying to, haan? If you really want to express yourself, why write a blog and share? Write a diary!” He paused for a while. I gave him a cold stare. But he rolled on – “Ok! Granted you want to express yourself. But what valuable material you have so that you can write? Scribbling some shit about some nonsense in your brain is not called writing.” He found no respite in my humiliation and continued further – “Ok. You write something. And some random folks like it. So what? Whats the big deal? What did you achieve in the big picture of life? Nothing! Instead of your inner ramblings, if you write some related stuff and compile them into a book, then I would agree. But you are a lazy fucker. You will never do it!”
Enough is enough! I couldn’t take it anymore. Enraged, I blurted out at him “Yes! I am an asshole craving for adulation! So what?! I write shit. So be it!! I came to you for guidance. Not to receive judgment on my abilities and traits. I’ve tolerated you for too long I guess. I shall do what I want to do! To hell with you and your advice! Get lost!”
It took some time to lift myself up and feel good about myself after all the insults he threw at me. But I made up my mind to be on my own. No more advice seeking, I said to myself. To prove my new stand, I went ahead and published a blog on my innermost thoughts, as planned. I want him to know that I don’t give a damn to his ‘advice’ anymore.
On a closing note, we both have too many mutual friends. I feel like I am sullying his reputation by exposing his shady personality and revealing his identity. But I shall risk it. His name is “iMe” ( short for “inner Me” ). He lives in my head, between my forehead.
He’s still in my thoughts though!